Nothing Lasts Forever.

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I’m not exactly sure how I’m supposed to start this, or what I’m supposed to talk about. So I’m going to start it like this, I take two anti depressants on a daily basis. I also take aderol but that’s a different story. What I am going to be telling you about are the feelings that I get and the thoughts I have when I’m not on these anti depressants. I’m going to do my best to describe what I’m going through and what I’m feeling. Most of the things I say will sound crazy but its what I’m feeling, I’m actually feeling these things.

          Its like everything in my body shuts down, I don’t want to do anything but sit and stare off into space. I go numb; from my head to my toes I can’t feel a single thing. Like all my emotions got sucked out of me, and all that’s left is an empty hole. An empty hole leading into a dark, lonely, dead end, where no emotions live. I can feel my whole body sinking into my chair, I can’t stop myself, and I lost all self control. Self control that I honestly never had. I van brain shutting down, my surroundings are blurry and all I hear is mumbling. Like I’m all alone, alone in my own little world I like to call hell.

          It’s like I’m stuck inside my own body. There’s no way out except for pulling the trigger and ending all of this. My mind it telling me that it’s the right thing to do. It’s what I need to do, just to get out of my own hell. But I can’t escape myself, this is me, this is who I am. And I hate myself, everything about me makes me want to scream and cry and hide under a rock so nobody will see me.

          When I’m with my friends I’m able to hide my depression good enough so it looks like I’m just tired. But in reality, I have no idea what’s going on or who I’m with. I forget what I was doing only a moment ago or who I was talking to or what we were talking about. I have no control over my body. When I walk I don’t feel the wind anything, not even the wind blowing against my face, and before I know it I’m at another destination with people I don’t even remember meeting up with.

          It’s different for when I’m alone, completely different. When I’m alone all I want to do is sleep and listen to music. I just want to be alone. When I’m alone I don’t usually think about anything, and when I do all I can think about is suicide. How would I do it, what would I use, who would miss me, who would go to my funeral, or what it’ll be like when I’m dead. I never acted out on it or did anything to kill myself but I have thought of many ways to do so.

          Depression has taken a hold of my life, it won’t leave me alone. It’s like I’m trapped in a small bubble, where it always rains, where it’s always dark, where I’m always alone. Sleeping has become a daily ritual. I sleep when I’m sad, I sleep when I lost all hope, I sleep just to pass time in this hell, and I sleep all the time. Sleeping makes me get out of reality and into another, better world where I create my own future, my own happiness. I sleep just to pass time so I don’t have to deal with the harsh reality that I call my life. When I sleep nobody can bother me, nobody can tell me what to do or tell me how ugly I am or how I’m fucking up my life.

          Cutting is something I do to know that I’m here, that this is real, that I’m still alive. Sometimes I have these feelings that I’m not actually here. Like I’m somewhere else, not in the same world as you or him or her. I cut because sometimes I think that life isn’t real, that I’m in a permanent dream. Like I can get out, I’m stuck. But it’s not only a dream, it’s a night mare.

          When I’m in school everything goes really fast. I don’t even remember half the things that happened. Like the classes go faster and the people sound softer. I don’t even hear any of my surroundings or see anything around me. I usually just focus on one thing, something stable, and something id want to be. When I’m walking through the halls everyone seems to be going fast, right past me, like I don’t even exist. And I’m walking, slowly, behind the crowd. It seems like ill never reach my destination, like ill never be able to catch up to them or even get close to them.

          I can never focus when I’m in school. You could blame that on the ADD or you could blame it on the depression. I, myself, blame it on depression because when I’m happy I can focus perfectly fine. But when I’m depressed I can’t focus at all. When I’m not listening to the teacher I’m usually writing poems about death or looking off into space. I can’t control my depression. If I could then I absolutely would.

          I can’t fully describe what depression feels like, or how I get these thoughts in my head. But one thing I know is that I can’t stop these things, I can’t control them. I’m Michelle Elizabeth Hart, and this is my story. 

ireadintothings:

By the time I meet you, I want to love nobody else but you. But how do you ever got to fall out out love with anyone you’ve been in love with before? I’ve never quite got around to figuring it out.

(Source: ireadintothings)